So you guys clicked this blog post because I’m guessing, you’re interested in knowing what has changed in my life since making it a habit to meditate.
Before I started this practice, it honestly felt like my internal world was chaos. I battled depression with rage and acted out of impulse and emotion. I would say that naturally, I am a sweet and peaceful person; however, when these demons attack, I find myself out of control with an itching feeling to destroy.
Before I started meditating, I felt my mind thinking NON-STOP. Always on the go, going a hundred miles per hour, replaying scenes and conversations, and even making them up. Sounds crazy, I know. But before I started this practice, I was really living in my head. I could be having a wonderful time with my husband, then all of a sudden my mind is on stress somewhere else.
Before I started meditating, I was living in an environment that gave me no mental and personal space. The house was physically cluttered and the energy it gave off was reflecting the state of my mind.
My husband saw me at my worse. He saw me when I was filled with rage and losing my fight against myself. He’s seen me pull away and have this crazy urge to physically hurt myself. Every time it happened, he would always remind me that the main person who needs to have my back is MYSELF. That I need to love myself over everything and everyone else. I knew he was right but it kept happening, and happening. I even thought I needed to just accept it as part of who I am–but that didn’t really do any good… The episodes kept happening and happening. My husband thought life was going to be that way and he felt it was best for us to separate. He felt I was miserable and he couldn’t make me happy.
So yeah, before I started meditating , my marriage was in shambles. After all, what kind of a relationship would it be when you’re not present in it…
Before I started meditating, I felt like I was losing more than what I was investing in my brand. I was producing quality work and paying a hefty amount to get them done but I wasn’t getting the return I desired.
Before I started meditating, it was chaos.
So what’s happened since then?
I started noticing the positive effects of meditation, three months into my daily practice. By then, I made it a habit to meditate or do conscious breathing as I walked to work while listening to positive I Am Affirmations. The first thing I noticed were my habits and thought patterns. This allowed me to see how much I was operating from “auto-pilot” mode which, at that time, was a compilation of suppressed emotions, childhood habits carried into adulthood, traumatic experiences that were not processed and healed, and honestly for me, just overall stress that I experienced in the previous years: moving to a different country, culture shock, inability to connect/no friends, no access to extracurricular activities, financial stress, transition from single to married life, immigration issues, and the transition of being a kid to an adult having to pay for every single thing. It was stressful! If I could picture my brain back then, the level of activity would probably be enough to give someone an electric shock. But I started noticing how I was reacting and this gave me chance to make a change.
I continued with my daily practice. Whenever I found myself desiring to act from impulse or rage, I would go on YouTube and listen to positive affirmations, or do a guided meditation. There would be days where I’d do this 5 or more times. I was deeply serious.
The internal information I was processing was heavy. I almost felt the desire to be isolated or go somewhere far away for a long time. I did take my first solo trip to San Diego which allowed me to get in touch with myself and have only Me to answer for. Four months into meditation, however, the universe provided this chance and I rented a room for myself. Ultimately, this decision was not something I admittedly want. But I knew I needed it. I went on to stay in this private room for 6 months.
Five months into meditation, I started seeing wonderful returns for all the work I’ve put in my brand. I secured a partnership with Ellie Active Wear . I haven’t bought workout clothes since then.
Six months into meditation, I took the chance to revamp my home. I finally get to decorate a space exactly how I want–even if it was just 1 room. Not only could I put out more feminine decors, I also reconnected with the best release of expression: dance. I danced under the moon which I did so much before my brain went nuts. I danced naked in my room, and just danced without a care. Special Thanks to FKJ and Masego for giving me tunes to dance to.
Seven months into meditation, I reached my 10k milestone on Instagram. Truly, this is just a number but this number allows me to have keys to more opportunities. Not to mention, the beloved swipe-up feature on Instagram. I also had the chance to visualize my next 5 years. This act reminded me how powerful it is and how most of what I visualized back when I was 17 were manifested into reality.
Eight months into meditation, I secured my first paid partnership. I was ecstatic! Not only is this company internationally known, they paid me well. If you want to see which one it is, click here.
Nine months into meditation, my mother found out she has cancer in her colon. We only had a couple days in between since finding out about it and her surgery –thank God for Alberta Health Care. I spent those days before her surgery doing a body scan meditation. Instead of scanning my body, I scanned my moms and shared love, white light, and healing energy to her. My mom today is cancer-free and on day 48 of doing 1 hour of yoga daily.
Ten months into meditation, the universe aligned itself and brought me and my husband back under one roof. I didn’t expect it to be too soon, but I have no complaints because with him is where I’d rather be.. The test now is to see what sticks from what I’ve learned.
Eleven months into meditation, my husband and I moved into a much elevated environment. It was the fresh start we both needed and desired. Though the process was stressful, we knew it would work out in the end.
So here I am now, Twelve months into daily meditation. One full year… Within myself I can confidently say that the rage has dissipated. I no longer have the urge or desire to hurt myself physically, I have no desire to destroy but to fix and tidy. I closed more paid deals and partnerships (Fré Skin Care, Purelei, MVMT, Complete Body Daily) , my husband and I are back in the same roof with a better understanding and way of communicating, we have a home we love, and my mom is cancer-free!
I know everything sounds great but there’s always dark to every light. I had to face myself and really dive deep as well as endure some pain. Please also remember that I only share what I am ready to. I don’t know what the year has ahead of me but one thing is for sure: I will never go back.
Thank you for sharing my heart with me.
Lots of Love,