I Am Just A Human Going Through An Experience


August 22, 2016: This day exactly a year ago, I died (figuratively). And to be honest, I was probably dead for a whole year as I only started to feel myself come back to my senses last night.

I could beat myself up for being where I am now after a year but I choose to look at the little progress/successes I have made since then:

  • My current aesthetics is at it’s best in my life so far
  • Our household is eating a lot better (no more dollar store meals)
  • I don’t just bum around all day–this blog has been successfully running for over 4 months now.
  • I have broken multiple records on my blog so far.
  • Burpees are no longer feared. (Record of 105 in 10 minutes)
  • Episodes are occurring less
  • I am making an impact in people’s lives by awakening their desire to take care of their fitness and go after their dreams.
  • Though this first year of marriage has been a journey, I can confidently say I am able to love my husband beyond his flaws…(working on doing it consistently and unconditionally now)

I had another episode over the weekend but this time around, my husband has had ENOUGH. He let me be. I felt uncared for but this is probably the push I needed to wake me up from death.

The past few years have been such an emotional rollercoaster for me. From working 3 jobs to save up for a huge move, relocating from place to place, finding out about a betrayal, the challenges of being a newly wed, staying at home most days as I await my US papers, and not having my own source of income–I’ve allowed myself to react based on my past experiences and even used them as an excuse for my behavior.

Just last night I have been reminded of how much I used to just squeeze my brain to gain some wisdom, some understanding. I can attest I haven’t done that in awhile which is why I feel and was stagnant inside. I don’t blame my trauma for this because I am aware now that I hold the power in myself– but it would be a lie to say the trauma did nothing to me. I was placed in a complete state of shock that the wiring of my being felt off. For a whole year.

The episode that happened this weekend was probably the most vulnerable I’ve allowed myself to be seen. My whole family knows now. Those that have known for awhile are now telling me I needed to go see a doctor and maybe take some meds. I felt even more sick. I did not want to accept that I am SICK (in the head) but my actions clearly show that this is a possibility. I still believe that no amount of medication and therapy will help unless I help myself so I am focusing on doing that now.

I thought and reminded myself that I DO NOT NEED to experience an episode for me to think about what I need to improve on. All I need is a space to sit down and think. I decided to play potfarm less now. I guess for the time-being it has served its part for it helped me “not to think” when I needed NOT to. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy it, actually. But now it’s time to put this brain to work.



Mental Strength Requires Mental Work.

I am just a human going through an experience. It will end. It has ended, and I DO NOT need to take this burden with me as I continue my journey in life.

I have thrown out all my birth control pills. I wouldn’t blame all my this craziness on it as I know the circumstances played a huge part but I do know it has caused a large amount of imbalance in my hormones and did not help with the given situation. I bought myself some hemp oil to take so that I get my Omega 3-6-9  on a regular and bought some multivitamins to replenish myself as well. My husband said that it doesn’t require “purchases” to get better and though I believe that is true,  these are things that aid in helping me get better.

I will be taking some time off from intense physical training and just do stretches, yoga, and maybe HIIT. But for now, my main focus is brain work.

BRB. Working out my brain….

26 thoughts on “I Am Just A Human Going Through An Experience

  1. Thank you for being so open and frank about such very personal aspects of your life, Kat. You are more of an inspiration to me than you’ll ever know. I’m praying for you, my sweet friend. I think you know that. Will be praying without ceasing. Love ya!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for always checking up on me and making sure I am okay. You are a wonderful friend and I deeply appreciate your prayers and support. Please continue to pray for me and my family as I greatly need it right now.


  2. Wow…. I just remembered you commenting on my blog about people not knowing what others are going through.

    This is s real example, I would have not imagined that you were going through this.

    Am sorry Kat and I will be praying for you, and please let yourself heal, no pressure, no time is too much.. allow yourself breath, cry, and heal..
    Thanks for trusting us with your personal life.

    I know you’ll be fine and yoga will really help.

    With love.
    Be safe.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks girl. I’ve depended so much on my husband over this past year(not that I wanted to, kinda had to)– I struggle so much with self-love and self-worth. Not quite sure what the root of it is but I am really doing my best to be in the present moment now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Life is funny isn’t it? When you don’t depend on someone it’s not healthy for your relationship, when you do. Its also not 😔

        Self love & worth is something we have to constantly work on.

        It takes time and I know you’ll be fine, real soon

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you, Funke 🙂 We do not have it all figured out..I guess it is part of life to find the balance and the journey itself is in finding it.. I appreciate all your kind words. Been doing a lot of self-reflections and I feel a lot better. Now to put all these wisdom to work.

        Much love. xx


  3. Dear Kat, Just wrote your post. Thanks for being so open and honest! I’m a medical student with an interest in mental health, and I feel this post describes mental health in such a strong way! Thanks for sharing it. You are really brave. Wish you all the best! XX



    1. I only started in April but what helped me stay consistent is having an “idea jar” or a place where you can easily jot ideas wherever, whenever you are. The next, don’t doubt yourself! Checking out your blog now 🙂


  4. This was so open and honest. I’m a believer of taking breaks and talking or writing about it all. No relief can be compared to when you let it all out. You are a strong woman! One’s mental space is very important. Good thing you have your hubby around you and please do not hesitate to seek help if need be. Sending you love and sunshine


  5. Vulnerability! That’s how I am embracing my insanity. 🙂 There is no sense pretending we are strong, when deep inside we are crumbling and agonizing. Life is just like that, sometimes I don’t understand what I’m going through and why I’m going though the same situations again when I thought all along I have gotten over it. Depression is real ans sometimes its attack is like a forgotten painful memory that will surprise you when you least expect it and pins you down.

    The fact that you’re able to talk about it with so much sincerity is what I admire about you. I really appreciate the honesty and openness you’ve put in your words. Thanks for being a bringer of light and hope!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for all your kind words, Jayson. It means a lot to me. You are so right about vulnerability. It’s a funny thing because a lot of us struggle with it as we are taught (while growing up) to always be strong –when being vulnerable is one of the most important abilities to have to be able to live a fulfilling life. It’s like a tug-o-war in the chest sometimes. Thank you for showering me with some hope as well. I cannot wait to get over this hump.


  6. I am so sorry to hear that, but I feel that you’re a strong woman. I know sometimes it is so hard to let depression go, but try to stay positive, focus on all the great things that make you happy. And remember that you have a real treasure – your husband and your family and, sure friends, bloggers :-), nothing else matters…. If you need some help/advice I am always there for you 🙂


    1. Thank you for the wonderful words, Euge 🙂 After this episode I have decided to no longer be a captive of my depression. After realizing that I hold the power in me, it has become easier to manage. Thank you 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.