NOTE: ALL ART FOUND IN THIS BLOG POST IS USED WITH PERMISSION FROM OWNER. YOU CAN FIND THE ARTIST ON INSTAGRAM: @FUERAMUNDO
August 22, 2016: This day exactly a year ago, I died (figuratively). And to be honest, I was probably dead for a whole year as I only started to feel myself come back to my senses last night.
I could beat myself up for being where I am now after a year but I choose to look at the little progress/successes I have made since then:
- My current aesthetics is at it’s best in my life so far
- Our household is eating a lot better (no more dollar store meals)
- I don’t just bum around all day–this blog has been successfully running for over 4 months now.
- I have broken multiple records on my blog so far.
- Burpees are no longer feared. (Record of 105 in 10 minutes)
- Episodes are occurring less
- I am making an impact in people’s lives by awakening their desire to take care of their fitness and go after their dreams.
- Though this first year of marriage has been a journey, I can confidently say I am able to love my husband beyond his flaws…(working on doing it consistently and unconditionally now)
I had another episode over the weekend but this time around, my husband has had ENOUGH. He let me be. I felt uncared for but this is probably the push I needed to wake me up from death.
The past few years have been such an emotional rollercoaster for me. From working 3 jobs to save up for a huge move, relocating from place to place, finding out about a betrayal, the challenges of being a newly wed, staying at home most days as I await my US papers, and not having my own source of income–I’ve allowed myself to react based on my past experiences and even used them as an excuse for my behavior.
Just last night I have been reminded of how much I used to just squeeze my brain to gain some wisdom, some understanding. I can attest I haven’t done that in awhile which is why I feel and was stagnant inside. I don’t blame my trauma for this because I am aware now that I hold the power in myself– but it would be a lie to say the trauma did nothing to me. I was placed in a complete state of shock that the wiring of my being felt off. For a whole year.
The episode that happened this weekend was probably the most vulnerable I’ve allowed myself to be seen. My whole family knows now. Those that have known for awhile are now telling me I needed to go see a doctor and maybe take some meds. I felt even more sick. I did not want to accept that I am SICK (in the head) but my actions clearly show that this is a possibility. I still believe that no amount of medication and therapy will help unless I help myself so I am focusing on doing that now.
I thought and reminded myself that I DO NOT NEED to experience an episode for me to think about what I need to improve on. All I need is a space to sit down and think. I decided to play potfarm less now. I guess for the time-being it has served its part for it helped me “not to think” when I needed NOT to. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy it, actually. But now it’s time to put this brain to work.
Mental Strength Requires Mental Work.
I am just a human going through an experience. It will end. It has ended, and I DO NOT need to take this burden with me as I continue my journey in life.
I have thrown out all my birth control pills. I wouldn’t blame all my this craziness on it as I know the circumstances played a huge part but I do know it has caused a large amount of imbalance in my hormones and did not help with the given situation. I bought myself some hemp oil to take so that I get my Omega 3-6-9 on a regular and bought some multivitamins to replenish myself as well. My husband said that it doesn’t require “purchases” to get better and though I believe that is true, these are things that aid in helping me get better.
I will be taking some time off from intense physical training and just do stretches, yoga, and maybe HIIT. But for now, my main focus is brain work.
BRB. Working out my brain….